When Life Hits the Fan

When Life Hits the Fan

A guest post by Honor Genetski

I've been getting my share of lessons in acceptance lately. I choose to see it this way rather than as a run of bad luck because without fail I am more grateful, more clear-seeing, and more resourced on the other side of these stretches. When it's happening I obviously just want it all to go away. 

It started a few months ago when Lemon caught a stomach bug. It hit her hard, but I thought after a few days of gut rest she'd be back to her normal cheery self. Instead her entire system unraveled and she lost the ability to digest anything. She survived on broth for another month while we waited for this monster to run its course. It was a lot of waiting in the dark.

When Lemon gets sick no one knows what's happening. This time after lab work ruled out a few common bacteria and parasites, I was told by her pediatrician that she would defer to me since I was the expert on my daughter's health. I sat with these words for a minute unsure if that was actually a good thing in this case. 

There really isn't a net to catch this child when she falls. I hold her on the way down and we fall together. 

It has me thinking about how we all find ourselves in the depths at one time or another and have to find a way through. Holding healing for yourself or for someone you love is a commitment to staying present with fear, exhaustion, and every joyous gain. It's allowing yourself to be right where you are with the tools you've got.

And rock-bottom serves its purpose in that it's a place to take inventory on what is and isn't working, and to resource for the next steps.

The following ideas are some of my most tried and true methods for navigating the deep and making my way back home again. Hopefully they will help you too the next time life hits the fan in your house.

~ Feel your feet connecting with the earth. This is the most immediate kind of grounding work and can be done anywhere, anytime. There is only so much freaking out you can do while your focus is on your feet.

~ Practice gratitude about anything and everything. Say it out loud. This is life-changing work because it makes acceptance of what is feel bigger.

~ Ask for what you need (or want) from your partner, spouse, friend, and extended family. Don't expect them to know until you verbalize it.

~ Explore more forms of support than you think you need (support groups, therapy, friend time, exercise). 

~ Connect with resources that align with your values – make sure it’s a right fit. If it isn't, allow yourself to explore other options. 

~ Create a space to be with yourself. Choose a place where you feel connected with something bigger than you. Church, yoga, a meditation circle, standing in the forest, or immersing in water. 

~ Some days collapse is a necessary and logical response to what life brings. Go there and find the gem of stillness buried inside. When you feel ready get up and start again.

Honor is a Marriage and Family Therapist, and mom to a child with FPIES.  Honor follows her intuition and hope in the quest for healing on Therapist Mama. where this blog post originally appeared.  It is shared here with permission.  

FPIES: A Diagnosis, not a Definition

FPIES: A Diagnosis, not a Definition

Nichole L. Huff, Ph.D., CFLE

As Thanksgiving Day draws near, Facebook and other social media outlets are abuzz with people sharing blessings in their lives.  For things both big and small, people are talking about thankfulness.  For parents of children with FPIES, however, the anticipation of Thanksgiving may conjure up more fear than gratitude.  The #1 worry?  Protecting your child from an endless array of food prepared with unknown ingredients.  (And subsequent fears, such as being around people who may not understand why they can’t give your child “just one bite” of pumpkin pie or green bean casserole.) 

Whether it’s Thanksgiving Day—or any other day of the year—for parents of children with FPIES, it’s hard to stop worrying.  Which is why it’s all the more important that we, too, stop to regularly reflect on our blessings.

The Importance of Thankfulness

Research shows that being thankful is crucial for one’s mental health.  One study[1] examining how gratitude affects emotional well-being found that those who frequently “counted their blessings” were less likely to suffer from depression and were more likely to exercise, help others, and achieve personal goals.  The participants who regularly wrote down their blessings also exhibited more energy and were more optimistic than those who didn’t specifically reflect on being grateful.

This study is just one of many supporting the positive effects of thankfulness.  Because FPIES, however, defines so much of what we do each day, as an “FPIES parent” it can be difficult to remember that FPIES is a diagnosis, not a definition—for you or your child.  Depending on your child’s age, triggers, and stage of allergy management, it can be easy for you to count your blessings in “allergy speak” (e.g., successful food trials, severity of food fails, etc.).  But like other parents who manage a child’s around-the-clock condition, our constant focus on all-things-FPIES makes us more susceptible to conditions such as depression and anxiety.

Gratitude and FPIES

As an FPIES community, let’s use the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday to remind us to count our blessings.  Our non-FPIES-related blessings.  So I ask you, what are you thankful for today?  Big or small.  I’ll start…

Today I’m thankful for a quiet house and the warm sunlight shining on my face as I write this blog entry.  I’m thankful for the teachers who are caring for my kids while I work.  I’m thankful for my family’s sweet back-and-forth text messages now commenting on a recording of my four-year-old practicing “Jingle Bell Rock” for his upcoming holiday performance.  And I’m thankful for the earworm that’s now stuck in my head!  Because it reminds me of the little boy singing it—a little boy whom I love with every ounce of my being.

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[1] Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.84.2.377


Nichole Langley Huff is an assistant professor and Extension Specialist at North Carolina State University. Dr. Huff has a Ph.D. in Family Sciences and a M.S. in Marriage and Family Therapy. She is a Certified Family Life Educator with the National Council on Family Relations. Her areas of research include child development, parent-child communication, and bio-psycho-social health. Dr. Huff also has a weekly parenting blog at http://soapboxmommy.com/